Quantum leap… wait… jump?

Welcome to Quantum Jump Vacations… our cruising altitude today is somewhere between weird as fuck… and insanity… the weather at our destination is a balmy “WTF?”


Quantum Jumping… mark my words, it’s going to be all the rage… all the kids will be doing it. According to “science” one guy has been doing it for over 30 years!

In short, quantum jumping is a theory. No… it’s magic. I mean… it’s a way…

OKAY… we’ve gotta go back a bit.

The current model of the universe states that there are multiple “parallel” universes. I know it sounds odd, but it is true… The math says it is. Stephen Hawking says it is. Hell, Fox News says it’s true, so it has to be, right?


There’s this guy, Burt Goldman, that claims he has PROOF that parallel universes exist. He’s been jumping between them for years. Never mind that, according to the math that the moment a parallel is created we are unable to access it due to radically different quantum states… or some such thing. Never mind that the greatest minds in the world think that black holes, white holes (which haven’t been found yet) and the like are the only ways to do it. Never mind that it would take incredible amounts of energy to piece the veil between them if it’s possible.


Burt Goldman is… a. maz. ing! The man can breach the very walls between universes… WITH HIS MIND!

Don’t believe me? I wouldn’t either, but according to these wack-a-roons he totally can! They say, “Over 3 decades ago, upon learning this theory, a man named Burt Goldman asked himself a question – “What if I could find a way to communicate with these alternate versions of myself, these doppelgangers, and learn from them? What if I could draw from their experiences, their knowledge, their skills, and improve my own life in the process?”

This was the starting point of Quantum Jumping, a unique meditation and visualization technique created by Burt that allows anyone to tap into the power of their minds to communicate with alternate versions of themselves.”

Well sign me the fuck up!

I mean… Honestly, I can’t think of anyone I would rather talk to. I am a misanthrope, set aside from the rest of humanity by a deep seated disdain for humanity in all its facets… The rest of me have to be just as cool.

Here’s the problem… If I am arrogant enough to think that another ME has all the answers… Then I am willing to bet the other ME will think I am a loser.


The theory behind the whole parallel universe thing is that every choice in your life can and does happen. If there are 4 outcomes to a situation possible, they all happen. There are some different outlooks. Some physicists say that each of these events will spawn a new universe. Some say that only changes that effect the fabric of reality (big changes) have enough energy to actually create a spin off. Either way… that means that, according to modern physics, for every major event, there are at least 2 universes created. ALL THE WAY BACK TO THE BIG BANG. (Unless you are a fundamentalist religion person and then it goes all the way back to the… “Well, this looks like as good a place as any” of your particular creation story.)

Erwin Schrodinger came up with a thought experiment that was a clear explanation of the “Copenhagen Interpretation” of quantum mechanics. The thought experiment has come to be known as “Schrodinger’s Cat.” It was simple. You put a cat in a sound proof box. You also put a device in the box. The device goes off at a random time and kills the cat. (I know, right?)

His thought experiment was supposed to show that, until observed, very little in the universe has any set form. It’s a weird thing about quantum mechanics, looking at something can change it. Well, maybe not that weird. I look at breasts and something changes…

Wait… that’s not right… actually, it is… but it is TOTALLY off topic. Unless there are breasts in the box. Are  there breasts in the box? Give me a second, I have to go read over this experiment again.

The cat is both alive and dead.

Nope. No breasts in the box, so that is totally out of line.

So. What Schrodinger says is that until we look in the box, we can’t know if the cat is alive or dead. From a quantum mechanics standpoint this LITERALLY means that until we observe it, the cat is both. Alive and dead. Which is really the scary part to me. That means the poor cat is in some zombie like state until some sadistic scientist opens the box.

This is where quantum mechanics gets even weirder… at least on the subject of cats. According to our current understanding of the whole box, cat dilemma – every time they have put the cat in the box with the cat-killing-at-a-random-time device, all possible outcomes have happened. This means that one experiment will yield the following universes: 1) Cat alive universe. 2) Cat dead universe. 3) Cat undead (both) universe. 4) Cat still in box because sadist scientist was eaten by a different undead cat universe. 5) Cat disappears only to be replaced by hungry wolverine universe. 6) Cat escapes box universe. 7) Box and cat simultaneously decide to become a non-event mass with a quantum probability of Zero (thus disappearing) universe. 8) Cat is the sadistic fuck and puts a physicist in a box with a physicist-killing-at-a-random-time device.

You see where this is going, right?

According to quantum mechanics, the universe is a really weird place, so it’s probably best to be a really careful driver. You don’t want to get out of your car to investigate what you just hit.


Thing is… it should have been Schrodinger’s dog. Seriously… have you ever tried to put a cat in a box? They are squirmy and tricksy… and in the case of my cats, smart enough to recognize a  cat-killing-at-a-random-time device when they see one. If he knew cats, he would know that there would be no way to even perform the experiment… even in thought!


Where was I… Oh, right… Burt and his miracle vacations to other universes… I mean, quantum jumping.

Let’s assume that Burt is right and telling us the truth. Let’s assume that Burt can do this. Let’s assume that Burt is not actually a crazy person, is not lying, doing hallucinogenic drugs, fucking with us or just a scam artist. Let’s also assume that he’s not a genetic mutant and the only one in the universe that can do this.

Would you really want to?

Really… would you want to? Let’s go right back to the box. All those outcomes… And give it some real deep thought.

I almost died on a couple occasions… One of them I got my dumb-ass electrocuted to a nice medium rare. Doctors said that I was lucky to not suffer debilitating brain damage. (He doesn’t know me very well.) One was a car wreck. I could very well have been maimed.

I could have:
stayed with my ex-wife.
fallen for any number of religious scams.
been a republican.
been a democrat.
gone to clown college. (DO NOT ASK!)

This is how I feel most of the time. 

My point is… While there may be more successful “MEs” out there… I am pretty sure, just by the law of averages, that there a lot of them out there that are a lot less successful than I am now.

Ever seen the movie multiplicity? Yeah… if you haven’t I recommend it… it was an amusing watch. But I asked you that so I could show you this.

This is who I would end up meeting on my dimension hopping journeys. And the thing is, ten bucks says, that due to quantum entanglement, EVERY TIME I WENT ON AN EXCURSION, he’d do it at the exact same moment. So every time I would end up with this goofy bastard staring at me from across the table.

If Burt is right, and his guided meditation technique works, my subconscious would guarantee it. Or worse yet… I would be sitting across the table from a me without a goatee. You know, the one with the goatee is the evil one. And I would be forced to deal with the fact that I’m the bad one.

I know it would happen…. since I read about this Quantum Jumping thing, I have dreamt about it several times…

Worse yet… I’d meet a whole bunch of MEs and we’d all be poor, starving artists that can’t sleep, have asperger’s syndrome and mixed bipolar… In short, I’d spend my vacation time with a bunch of assholes!

No thank you. I have plenty of that right here in… What do we call this place… Universe Prime? Universe A? Universe 1? Meh… I’m just going to call it home.

Here we are, meeting for the first time. I’m not sure which
is which, but I KNOW we both love coca-cola!

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