Odd… this tea tastes like balls!

Wait… you say you haven’t heard about this? What’s tea-bagging, you ask? What is this “New Orleans” you speak of? 

I respond with the following… Where the hell have you been??

I mean seriously! Where?? 

Okay… recap. 

The Alabama vs. LSU game. You know the one where LSU just rolled over and took it up the butt on the football field? Well, it seems that some Alabama fans thought it was an announcement that all Louisiana residents were ready for some good, old-fashioned sexual assault. 

A man, in LSU team gear was passed out in out local Krystal. Krystal, if you don’t know what that is, is kind of like White Castle… Except not. What’s White Castle? What’s White Castle??? 

It’s what you crave… if you’ve never had White Castle (shame on your family for neglecting your health, mental well-being, and education while growing up)… Let me put it this way – you know those times where you have a craving, but you have no idea what you want to eat? It’s really specific, but you have no clue on how to sate this hunger? 

You were craving White Castle. 

ANYWAY…

After the game, a dumb-ass in LSU gear got so inebriated that he passed out at Krystal. Lots of Alabama fans started messing with the guy. Some touched his face and put empty food containers on him. At least one fan tries to do something involving his zipper, but a female drags him off. 

Enter the “Alabama Tea-bagger.” This man (alleged to be Brian Downing) walks in an flips off the fan. Proceeds to place his middle fingers in the nostril and ear of the LSU fan. After that, he unzips his pants… EXPOSES HIS TESTICLES, CLIMBS UP ON THE TABLE/CHAIR AND RUBS HIS CROTCH ON THE LSU FAN’S FACE!

This is called tea-bagging. 

Now… I will admit…I was a college student… I have stood by while a friend of mine–The Dwarf Player: Destroyer of Signs (D&D nick name, don’t ask)–was hanging out with a couple of twin boys that were friends of ours. The Bloody Baron (REALLY, don’t ask) got so drunk that he passed out. Normally that would result in a good antiquing. 

What’s antiquing? What the hell.. Seriously people… no one ever taught you ANYTHING, did they!?

Antiquing is a prank of such diabolic proportions… NO… wait…

Antiquing is the act of taking flour and somehow introducing it to your target. The effect is that they look dusty, and their hair looks like an antique wig… Most people do this by waiting for their target to drift off (i.e. pass out form alcohol poisoning) and sprinkle flour gently on the target. 

In our circle of friends, the result was a lot more convincing. It really looked like you were antique.

Admittedly, our methods were akin to a savage beating. Seriously… we took a sock (we actually had a dedicated sock for this) and filled it with flour. Then, WHAM! Right in the kisser. And we didn’t have to wait for them to fall asleep, either… you could get blasted while sleeping in your bed, RIGHT out of the shower, coming in the door, pulling into the drive way… You weren’t even safe on campus.

I know–it’s childish, but I was young. “When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things.” Well, except for film making, blogging, photography, video games, texting, collecting action figures, Radio Controlled vehicles… Okay… so I’m still a child.

ANYWAY…

One night… The Bloody Baron (I SAID, “DON’T ASK!”) passed out in the living room and was immediately tea-bagged (complete with photos) by the Dwarf Player and The Other Brother. 

Wait… what? You say that makes me like the Alabama fans… Yes and no… Several reasons this is different.

1) It happened in a privately owned home. 

2) They were twin brothers… which brings up it’s own issues, but we had family consent.

3) We were FRIENDS! 

4) He had a chance for revenge.

5) He got his revenge.

This is what happened at Krystal.

So… tea-bagging a perfect stranger: is there ever a good time for it? Well, let’s take a look at the flowchart put together by the good folks at Deadspin.com (originally posted here).

Now… I don’t just blame Brian Downing. Or rather… The alleged Brian Downing… Wait… that’s not right. You know what I mean. 

I blame all of those people standing around watching as well. It looks like it’s all Alabama fans; it might be, it might not be… but most New Orleanians will step in when they see someone defacing a fan or logo of a team that we like with their testicles, so I have a pretty good idea. 

I blame the man with cell phone taking the video. 

I blame the people bellowing Roll – Tide – Roll!

I have heard people saying that we should blame the LSU fan’s friends for not watching him. That’s asinine. Yes, they should have been looking after him… but what if… what if… what if he wasn’t out with friends? People do that, you know. They go out alone… it’s one of the benefits of being an adult. Most likely, he was with friends and said “I’ll be back… I have to go to fake White Castle. I know it won’t satisfy my craving, but I’m drunk so I don’t care.”

ANYWAY…

So deadspin.com got a hold of the video and put it out there, trying to find the guy. Right off the bat, a twit… or rather a Twitter user by the name of “Konway Tweety” claimed responsibility. He caught no end of hell. The twit-sphere is harsh. 

Eventually, it came out that it was the alleged Brian Downing… Why do I keep doing that? It was allegedly Brian Downing. He lost his job; someone called his mother; his cousin, (I think it’s his cousin) the sheriff , found out. And he turned himself in and came back to New Orleans to face the music.

BTW… it is NEW ORLEANS… not Nawlins. We don’t go to New York and call it Nork. We don’t go to New Hampshire and call it Nampshire. That whole region of the country isn’t Nengland. NEW ORLEANS. (thank you to the comic who performed at C Beaver’s last night whose name I cannot remember for that).

Alabama fans have been polarized. One side has disavowed the alleged tea-bagger. The other side has embraced him–going so far as to wear this relatively offensive t-shirt (which were being sold in a parking lot for $5). Yes, that t-shirt says “BAMA TEABAGGED THE TIGERS”. Aside from the obvious grammatical errors, (Should have read: ” ‘Bama tea-bagged the Tigers”. Or even better: “Alabama tea-bagged the Tigers”…Though technically, since they are naming their school and not their mascot, it should have been “tea-bagged LSU” or Bama should have been “Tide”) these fans are making light of sexual assault. I mean, really… that is what it is. 

And today, (I know I’m a couple days late) I read an article where the lawyers for the alleged Brian Downing (Miles Swanson and Michael Kennedy) said, “…it boggles the mind that with the New Orleans murder rate disturbingly high, the New Orleans Police Department and District Attorney’s office would devote substantial energy and attention to this matter. To charge Mr. Downing with sexual battery demeans the real and serious trauma of actual victims of sexual violence.” (the press release is here)

Go read that again… I’ll wait.

These lawyers are saying that because we have a high violent crime rate, that the police shouldn’t look for a criminal that they have actual footage of COMMITTING HIS CRIME. Let that sink in. We know who did it, investigative work was done, people have confirmed the identity of the man, AND he turned himself in for it–but the police shouldn’t care!

They are also saying that because other people have had more traumatic experiences, pursuing this demeans the victims of other crimes. HOW? It’s not as if one instance of sexual battery is worse than another! It is a violation of a person’s basic right as a human being to NOT be touched when they don’t want to. AND it INVOLVED THE MAN’S GENITALS!!!

They state that he has “…already been tried and convicted in the court of public opinion.” Well, the right to trial by a jury of your peers is guaranteed in the Constitution, so unless you are military or high in the government, a jury trial is still necessary. And when the prosecution shows the video, the jury will react the same way. 

They then SCOLD THE DA’s OFFICE and advise keeping “it’s priorities in line with addressing real crime in New Orleans”!!! 

What the fuck? Seriously? What are these lawyers trying to pull? This is a real crime. 

Let’s look a little closer. The lawyers claim that the victim “…was so intoxicated that he would have had no recollection of the incident, but for a video posted online. Any ‘harm’ is entirely post hoc and amplified by media more concerned with ratings and sensationalism than covering substantive news.”

This sounds like a reasonable argument, until it is put in perspective:

A girl goes to a party. She passes out drunk with no recollection of the night. 2 months later, she realizes she is pregnant. 

What if that LSU fan was your daughter, sister, mother, grandmother or wife? 

What if the Alabama fan had been a priest? 

What if it was you with the balls on your face? (Though, if you are one of the people standing outside and inside Krystal that night, you have probably seen a couple close up before this event)

As it stands he could possibly see 25 years in prison. I don’t think they will be that extreme in their handling of this case. I mean, he turned himself in and willingly traveled down here to face the music. But, honestly, I want to see him get the most punishment possible for this. 

I am tired of seeing tourists come down to New Orleans and treat it like a toilet. 

I can’t count the number of times I have been walking in the French Quarter and had the following conversation.

I mean, we actually have trucks with pressure washers that spray down the street and side walk. They blast the  vomit and piss off the street and sprays a deodorant. This is only necessary in the French Quarter… where the tourists go. So… as my grandfather used to say, “If the foo shits.” 

And the thing is, people all over the place feel this way. It makes me wonder why, if you feel like that, you’d be coming to our town to party… I mean, that tells me that you traveled hundreds of miles to party in a shit-hole. Seriously, what does that say about you? Really? 

NO!!! 

ANYWAY…

That kind of sums it all up. I think that the alleged Brian Downing should not go to prison. He should be held til the Saints’ preseason starts… and then, after practice one day, all salty and sweet from the New Orleans heat — hot enough to do some “Crotch Pot” cooking, the Saints’ players should all teabag him… 

One at a time. 

On camera… 

in a packed SuperDome… 

while the Saints fans and LSU fans stand around and call “Roll Tide Roll!”