Spoiler free summation of Prometheus

No. Not these aliens

Prometheus came out this weekend. As a fan of Ridley Scott and more specifically, the “Aliens” franchise, I was excited.

That excitement was misplaced. As a prequel to the movie, “Alien,” this film had some big shoes to fill. Instead, it was like a little kid running around in daddy’s work boots.

The following is a synopsis of the film, step by step, as I it stuck in my memory. I will say SPOILER ALERT… even though what I am about to say will make NO SENSE till you see the film.

We start out with a giant white, semi-transparent skinned alien standing at the top of a waterfall wearing a yogi’s diaper. He drinks the world’s worst wiggly tea (Yes, wiggly tea), dies and dissolves.

Jump to the FUTURE!!!


Scientist boyfriend and girlfriend find a picture. “We found it!” and there was much rejoicing.

Jump to 2 years farther in the future!

We are on the ship Prometheus. Blond robot boy is watching scientist girlfriend sleep. Then they arrive. He wakes up Charlize Theron. She does almost naked push-ups while dripping wet. Why? Just because.

They go into the ship and find some holographic records. Blond robot boy opens the door. Then they find the worlds worst flower shop. Blond robot boy walks past, dropping some meal worms as he goes.

They find an alien head. A storm blows up and a couple of the scientists get left behind. They spend the night in the ship.

That’s right! I went there… Face rape!

During the night, the left behind scientists come in and the flowershop is covered in chocolate syrup. The meal worms have been transformed into giant, white, semi-transparent face raping snakes. One is raped, the other breaks his helmet and falls in the syrup.

On the ship, Blond robot boy has taken some of the syrup and put it into scientist boyfriend’s drink,

He is infected. He goes and fucks his sterile girlfriend.

The next day they head to the alien ship. Blond robot boy goes off on his own and finds a living one of the guys who dissolved at the beginning of the movie.

The rest of them find face raped guy.

Scientist boyfriend gets sick and mutates… They rush him back to the Prometheus where he commits suicide by Charlize Theron.

In the syrup guy shows up. He has mutated too… but in a different way. So, they shoot him and burn him to death.

Blond robot boy tells scientist girlfriend that she is pregnant. She uses the med pod to give herself a Cesarean section and machine removes wriggly squid baby! Then it staples her shut!

It was NOTHING like this squid baby!

Old guy who was thought dead turns out to be on the ship. Blonde robot boy tells them there is one of the dissolving aliens on the ship. Everyone goes to see him.

Blonde robot boy wakes him up. He caresses Blonde robot boy’s face and then pulls his head off and beats old guy to death with it… the head that is. Then he proceeds to kick everyone’s ass.

Scientist girlfriend runs away, gets off the ship and tells the Prometheus that the alien ship that is taking off under her feet needs to be stopped. The captain ejects the life boat, rams the ship and kills it. Alien ship crashes and crushes Charlize Theron. It sucks to be a blonde girl in a Ridley Scott movie.

Scientist girlfriend gets on to the lifeboat. (this is where the medpod was… which is good because she is fucked up). Blonde Robot Boy’s head calls scientist girlfriend and tells her that the dissolving alien is on the way. He gets to the lifeboat and comes in. She opens the medpod bay door and squid baby (which is now 10-15 feet across) face rapes dissolving alien man.

Scientist girlfriend then leaves and rescues Blonde robot boy’s head. She asks him “can you fly and navigate these ships?” He says yes. They take off to find the home world to find out why the dissolving aliens made us, hated us enough to kill us and then changed their mind.

Then, we jump to dead dissolving alien as BAM! a xenomorph and egg bursts from his chest.

The end.

This might as well be a still in the
movie for all the sense it makes!

It made that much sense in the theater too.

Images in this issue SHAMELESSLY stolen from the following sources:

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