The Adventures of Captain Aspie – Part 2: Snow, Geography and Asshats

As most of you know, the south has been assaulted by a couple cold snaps in the last month. I know what most of you are thinking – “we get temperatures colder than that in july!”. Well, we don’t. We are not conditioned or equipped to deal with it. Our Walmarts sell hoodies as “heavy winter wear.” There are a lot of reasons for this, not the least of which is that we are in the subtopics and this kind of weather is RARE.

A few days ago, right before the ice and snow were supposed to hit, on social media, a friend of mine started a discussion on it.

Misplaced Northern Guy: Louisiana 2 inches of snow will shut down all surrounding areas for two days. What do my northern people think about this? Hahah

This in and of itself was innocuous, but the responses demanded the attention of… CAPTAIN ASPIE!

Yup… this is Captain Aspie to a tee… (found this on
facebook, so that is the best attribution I can give)

“But what could have triggered the Awkward Avenger?” 

As usual, it was untruth rearing it’s ugly head. 

Some Dude #1: Yes it is a joke. People wadding up their cars when they get mist or sleet. I mean really. Has no one ever driven in Colorado etc. Cars are on the road daily with ice and snow and you don’t see them flipped, piled up and in masses on the side of the road. C’mon man!

 Some Chick #1: Louisiana haven’t you ever heard of road salt? Chicago teach em fast.

Some Chick #2:  I’m in Tennessee now and everyone is laughing about it. Seeing as no one in NOLA salts the roads though, I get it. It’s seriously not that hard to buy some ice and hire some contractors to spread it, Louisiana.

As a side note, I am pretty sure that Some Chick Number 2 meant that it was not that hard to buy some salt… but I could be mistaken… Perhaps this is NT code for something I don’t understand. **Note to self: use decoder ring tonight and see if it is a code of some sort**

 Some Dude #2: Ridiculous!

By this time, I was thoroughly disgusted with the conversation. This is because the biggest problems that Aspies face when dealing with NTs is Point of View (POV) problems… and it is normally because they lack a frame of reference for the other person… and in this conversation, the person FROM Louisiana is operating with a restricted view point…

 Captain Aspie: Well… not really ridiculous… Think on this… up north, you have an army of trucks, warehouses full of salt, ash and other things to grit the roads, snow plows and the like… Since we don’t get this kind of weather except once every 5-10 years… we don’t have those things… 2 inches of snow can’t be cleared. An icy road can’t be salted… 

Just like, you don’t have the drainage capacity to remove hurricane force rains… 13 inches of rain up north will cause massive devastation… I know, we got 9 in 1993 in kansas city… and the flooding was insane…

Just wanted to put it in perspective.

Simple truthiness – straight, polite and to the point… Then my arch-enemy appeared… Noisy Idiot!

Noisy Idiot:  You deal with this problem every winter… and use the SAME excuse. “Oh we don’t have the proper equipment”. Louisiana is crazy retarded.

Retarded is a trigger word for me… It is a hateful and just plain mean thing to say… and when it is bandied about as part og the vulgar argot… it makes me angry. And you wouldn’t like me when I’m hungry. Wait. That’s not right… be right back, I need breakfast.

That’s better… What was I saying? Oh, right… My arch-enemy -NI has reared his ugly head once more. According to the superhero code, the prefight banter was about to begin.

 Captain Aspie: Really? last snow was 2008. since 1850, it has snowed here about 17 times. According to a couple sources, it costs about $2600+ to run a single salt truck for an hour. Not to mention having to have the trained crew to use it. The $15k to convert a $160k (brand new) dump truck into a salt truck. We have about 8k miles of roads that would need to be taken care of in the New Orleans Metro area alone, which would necessitate about 200 trucks… so… for a two day storm, with new trucks, salt, wages, and all, it would cost new orleans $59,960,000 to be prepared for a winter storm. That doesn’t cover the interstates, Metairie, Kenner, Chalmette, Batonr Rouge, Shreeveport, or anything over the lake… 

ince the last time that we had accumulation was 2008, and before that 1963, 1958, 1899, 1895 and 1881… It seems a little wasteful to prepare for something that has happened 17 times in over a little over 100 years. 

So, Noisy Idiot, it’s not an excuse…

NI chose one of my favorite tactics at this point. When confronted with information that is accurate and directly contradicts an NTs statements, they tend to speak/type in rapid fire responses, trying to justify their statement, which fails 95% of the time.

Noisy Idiot: Its not snow. Its ice. (please notice the improper use of “its”)

Noisy Idiot: You also cancel school because it’s too cold.

Noisy Idiot:  But nice try.

As usual, snark triggers snark… So I responded.

Captain Aspie:  Okay… And having spent a good portion of my life up north… how do you deal with ice over snow? Oh, right. You don’t plow (which I didn’t talk about)… but you salt the roads. So, lather rinse repeat. Thank you for your snark.

Having been countered, NI has become dangerously unstable at this point, he cannot remember the point he was making.. and says the following.

Noisy Idiot:  I was raised in Cleveland. They didn’t close the roads because of snow here, they closed them for POTENTIAL ICING. 😉

 Captain Aspie: Good for you. Ironic that, however, since New Orleans is expecting ice. But my point remains… for something that happens 17 times in 120 years… it is wasteful to invest in that gear…

Noisy Idiot: It ices way more than that. 

At the same time I researched snow, I researched the incidents of ice storms, freezing rains and the like… So I was prepared for this.

Captain Aspie: Nope. Let’s go into “way more than that”… Let’s assume you are right… it iced on bridges a few days ago, but not the roads… so… using this year as an example… that’s twice, so far, but I will go ahead and give you some benefit of the doubt, let’s give it 4 times, this year, with an average of 1.5 days per incident. That pushes the amount needed to be budgeted each year to $184,760,00 A year… 

It didn’t ice last year… or the year before… or… well, looking back at the records… it iced in 2008. aaaaand 1963, and 1958… I think I am beginning to see a pattern. 

I would tell you a little bit about the closing school thing, what with wind chills of 20 degrees without winter wear causing hypothermia frost bite and even death (especially since most stores don’t sell them here going back to 2008, 1963, etc)… Or I could discuss that most school buildings don’t have a heater capable of heating the entire building in extreme conditions, because of the pesky 2008, 1963 etc… Or I could cite that many of our houses and building predate indoor plumbing, and the pipes are often on the outside of the building… because we’re in the subtropics…

You are from ohio… which is near West Virginia… Since there are all those chemical plants in both ohio and West Virginia… do you all keep personal, isolated system, cisterns of potable drinking water in excess of 55 gallons per family member in case of a chemical leak? No? why? Oh, right, because it’s only happened that water in that area has been tainted by chemical spills 4 times in the last 50 years… Still…I think that’s an excuse. 

So… snark and attitude aside… it does not make economic sense to prepare for it, when we can… I don’t know… be warm and safe for a day. 

Snark and attitude considered, blow it out your ass.

Now, I KNOW that the Ohio and West Virginia thing was insensitive, all things considered. BUT I asked a West Virginia native before I said it, and considering the conversation, I was acceptable. So, NI tries the rapid fire approach again.

Noisy Idiot:  ODOT (Ohio Department of Transportation) spends $24,000,000/year on snow removal.

Noisy Idiot: Where the **expletive deleted** are you getting your numbers from?

Noisy Idiot: And if you don’t understand the implication of that statement then I don’t know what to tell you.

NI has resorted to basic tactics at this point. Cite a number they found on the fly that has nothing to do with any of the discussion; Cursing; and then insulting one’s intelligence… It’s all pretty standard fare. If you can maintain your cool in a fight, then you are prepared for this type of thing. The truth will set you free, or in this instance the haymaker of truth will silence a Noisy Idiot.

Captain Aspie: Go back and read… My numbers are coming from BUYING THE NEW GEAR WE DON’T have… and ODOT does not handle the cities. Thank you for that… some more in depth research will show that in cities, (according to recent reports from chicago and atlanta, the fuel, gas, salt and personnel to run a single truck runs about $2600 per hour. 

Over all, you are just a noisy asshat and I am done with you.

Honestly… I could have handled it better… but why should I? Noisy Idiots are the leading cause of idiot related injuries, aneurysms from your brain trying to process their idiocy and our economy. When they are found, Captain Aspie will be there to stop them.

By the way, my NT friends assure me that the following was an acceptable way to respond as well.

Again, on facebook. 

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